Cleaning Out My Closet-The Book
On a personal note
The Real Marshall
Eminem & Kids
Nate & Debbie
Dysfunctional Relatives
Alaina & Dawn
Aunt Betty
"White Trash"
Kim The Torn In Marshall's Side
Kim & Drugs
Update On Marshall And Kim
Poor Hailie Jade
Celeb Flings
Brittany Murphy
Bye Bye Brittany!
Friendship is OVER
"I Miss The Mall!"
Fucked Up Relationship
Party Animal
Nathan = Trouble
The Meaning Of Christmas
No More Tours
Tossed Aside Like Garbage
" Last Time I Saw Him "
On a personal note
My Confession To The Anti Kim Mathers Board (The Lost Chapter)


Chapter 11: On A Personal Note

I wrote this book for many reasons. There were times when Marshall and I spent time together that I stepped back and looked at him. I thought to myself it is a shame the world does not know the man I know. It is a shame when I mention to the older generation, like my aunts, uncles and grandparents, that I'm good friends with Eminem, they cringe and give me a weird look. That is because all they know is his public image and his violent lyrics! They do not know the man behind the mask. He is a whole different person.

I would leave this man with my children overnight, without thinking twice! It was a shame. I was one of the few people who knew him. I appreciated him for who he really is. Honest to God, I really felt bad for the rest of the worl, who were missing a good thing! I felt like I made a wonderful discovery that no one else knew about. This is one reason I wrote this book. However, for the longest time, I never thought it was my place to share this man's life with other people. It was not until recently that I developed the " fuck it " attitude and decided I do not owe anybody anything! As you have read, things happened that made me realize that it is my duty and privilege to introduce the world to the man behind the mask. You have also read that there is a price to be paid for getting too close to this man. If anyone owes anyone, he owes me the right to speak my mind.

I know some people will not approve of what I have done. People will say my motives were selfish and I have no conscience. I can just see it now. People will just say I used my status with
Marshall because I was planning to write a book the whole time. That is so ridiculous. I would know a lot more about everything and have more pictures and stuff if that were the case. I never pushed my way into his life, he invited me. I treated Marshall like a person, how I would want to be treated. I never had an agenda. I never chased him around with a camera or poked my nose where it did not belong. This is not how I would want to be treated.

Some people will try to make me look bad for bringing out the truth, but as a
United States citizen, I have every right to speak the truth. Marshall has claimed freedom of speech and artistic freedom since 1999, so why can't I? Some people will say that I was just looking foe some money and maybe that I was cashing in on Marshall's fame. Many people have. His ex-bodyguard, Byron Williams, wrote a book about him, Shady Bizzness, which Marshall has not denied being true. The only explanation he has given about that book is that it was in his early years and he did things he shouldn't have, but that he claims that most of his infidelity was before he and Kim got married. Even Marshall's mother has attempted to make money off him. ( I'm sure most people won't ) I could not care less about the money. My husband and I both work full time jobs and are happy with our quiet little family life with our children.

We have never been motivated by money and to tell you the truth; I'm sickened by people who are. As you have read in this book, I am an opinionated person who does not fit into any category you may have. I believe in being a true friend, and being an honest person. I am sure I will have my critics and that is fine. Everyone has a right to his or her opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one. However, do not judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes. You have not lived through the last two emotional years of my life with

I am sure that some people will understand they will put themselves in my position. Maybe some people have been in similar situations like this and have had their heart ripped out. Maybe they have been taken for granted, had their world turned upside down, lost or nearly lost everything they loved, and had nothing to show for it. I think everyone who has ever loved of cared about someone can related to the impact it has on you when they walk out of our lives forever.

Imagine when it happens to your whole family. It even happens to your children too and they can not seem to get over it. You try to explain why that family member is not around anymore but you can not because you do not know why. You were never given a reason either. It's extra hard because the persona you cared about, the person that has walked out of your life forever is on the radio. He is on the CD playing in your kid's headsets. He is on TRL with Carson Daly, you watch his video reach number one again today and his posters are on your kid's bedroom walls. " Mommy, when can we go to Uncle Marshall's house and see him again? " I do not know how to answer that. All I can think is we are all going through a grieving process and it is hard when there is no closure. No explanation, just months of dodged phone calls and broken promises. All of this after making sacrifice after sacrifice, and busting your ass to be the " worlds best friend and auntie" to the Mathers family. I think most people in the world, unfortunately, have been taken for granted and hurt at some point in their lives. I am thinking those people will understand why I wrote this book. I am hoping this book will be my "therapy" and closure. Yes, I want to show the world the deep, smart and funny person "Eminem" really is, but also show how he tosses people aside when he is done with them or when his family pulls his strings. When I am done spewing my guts and telling everything I have to say, maybe I can put all of these experiences behind me and move on.

If I have not given you enough reasons why I decided to write this book, here are five more: my husband, my son, my two daughters and myself. This is my family. My real family and I put them through hell for the last two years so that I could be a part of the Mathers family. I apologize for almost splitting us up. My husband and I were two days away from a divorce before we realized what went wrong. This whole roller coaster is what went wrong. Honey, I am sorry for all the money we spent on lawyers when I should have listened to you in the first place. Now we are one month away from foreclosure and a step away from filing bankruptcy. I apologize to my family, for all of those late nights on the set of
Marshall's movie. I am sorry kids for keeping you up late on school night when we had to go to the studio and watch Hailie. I apologize for all those dinners we had to eat in the truck from the drive thru lane because we had to run when Marshall called.

My love, I am sorry for leaving you behind all those times, and treating you like you did not matter whenever
Marshall beckoned. I never should have put anyone before you. I forgot the vows I made to you. I am sorry. I am sorry for those nights we were up taking care of a sick child that was not ours until 3 or 4 in the morning on work nights. Kids, I am sorry for all of the fighting going on in our home due to this all. Nothing is more important that our family and I forgot that. I am sorry that sometimes I was acting like someone I am not. You should never allow anyone or any situation to change who you really are. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for all of the tears, and sleepless nights that you have had during the last couple of years. Kid's I'm sorry that I let you get close to someone and then allowed him to hurt you. I know he did not mean to hurt you. but it happened and I am sorry. It's over now. We have each other and that is all we need.

Marshall if you happen to read this, please know that although I am disappointed at how this all ended, I am thankful for many things. I am glad I got to know the real you. You have made me realize what a good friend I can be, though you did not always appreciate it. I know I helped you through some rough times. Like when I came out in the middle of the night to the Townsend Hotel because you were wiggin out when people were pirating your CD off the internet? No one could calm you down but me.

I know you will never find a friend like the one you had in me. Now I know, I have it in me to be extremely good to someone. I just need to give it to someone who will give it back, like my husband. As bad as it hurt when you dumped us and dissolved our friendship was a great thing. I almost divorced the man I loved because I was too wrapped up in you. The space you gave me helped clear my head and for that, thank you. Make sure the next friend you dump gets some sort of explanation, and don't let your family treat them like shit, while they do more and more for you each day. I think I deserve an explanation, don't you? After all, you respected me enough to nickname me "Supermom" and trusted me enough to tell me your darkest secrets. You need to get over your fear of confrontation. Your silly fear caused more heartache in my children than you will ever know.

Not knowing why hurts worse then the act of being dumped. This is just some helpful information for when the next dumb ass that comes along. That's what I was, a dumb ass. I was so busy living in "
Marshall's World" that I did not pay attention to my life crumbling down around me. Instead, I gave you the gift of "family". The kids and I loved you, respected you, and took care of you. You know you will never find that again. You may have all the money, but you will never find that feeling again. For that, I feel sorry for you. That will not stop me from wanting to grab you and say "look at what you did, motherfucker!" I can't lie; I wanna knock some sense into you! That is not who I am.

I am not joking
Marshall! Just last night I was up with my 14-year old daughter, holding her while she cried about missing you and Hailie and about how she will never see you again. I told her to sit down and unload it all with her pen. Maybe write a poem and let her feelings out. This is what she wrote:

I used to think I was always fat, ugly, and dumb
Until you came along and made me feel
Like I was someone.
I used to feel alone 'cause of the
people who came in and out
But I thought you were different
That you'd be there throughout
People said that you were bad
Because they couldn't see
The real Marshall underneath
And the way you were to me
They had no idea while they
were protesting against you
How great of a dad you were to Hailie
And how talented you were too.
You said you knew how I felt
"Cause people left you
And you would never hurt someone
They way they hurt you
But now my heart is breaking
Tears are falling from my eyes
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
This I soon realized.
You gave me ton of memories
That I'll treasure forever
but then the cold reality hits
That nothing lasts forever.
I still love you with all my heart
And everything was fun
But somewhere down the road
I have to realize it's done.
So here I sit alone
Tears falling from my eyes
But the worst pain of all
Is that I have to say goodbye.

Think about your little girl. What would you do if someone hurt her? I know what you would do. Just know and feel lucky that I cared about you. I remember the good times, and the goodness inside of you. This time I will walk away without coming at you, full force for what my children are going through. Just picture the tears rolling down my babies girl's face when you wonder why I wrote this. I do not know how I can respect and care fro someone so much and still hate what they are doing.

Marshall, I wrote this book because I am hoping you will see things about yourself. Maybe my perspective of you and your life will show you the good and help you to work on the bad. Maybe you will not see any of this as bad. I do not know. I guess it's up to you to decide. What I do know is you are predictable. I know you are gonna come back at me with some nasty song or say something horrible in an interview or something. I know what you will be thinking; " I have to have the last word. I can't let nobody get over on me or I lose."

That is why when someone pisses you off you have to put him or her into your next song. I understand it is all about not wanting to be bullied anymore. It's about standing up for yourself. I am just like you, Marsh. I have been smaller then everyone else has and they picked on me my whole life. Look, this book is not to pick on you or make you look bad. I want to show the world what they are missing, and to show you what you have done to innocent people who cared about you. I do not need to explain or clarify things for you anymore.

One more word of advice though. Baby, get some real therapy. I know what I am talking about. Maybe one day you can be truly happy. Even though I am crushed, I still want you to be happy. So, take care of yourself and kiss Hailie Jade for me. Maybe one day she will remember she had an "Auntie" and that she was loved very much. As for my life, I am taking care of what's mine: my kids, my husband, my home and my dog. I have swept everything out of my life that was bad for me, including fake friends and family members who have chosen people with money over their own flesh and blood. Starting now, I am no longer gonna be bullied or be a door mat for people to walk on. For once, I am taking the right stand. Hey, I am a lot happier of a person now that I am cleaning out my closet





…Thanks to the Anti Kim Mathers Board

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