Cleaning Out My Closet-The Book
My Confession To The Anti Kim Mathers Board (The Lost Chapter)
Home
The Real Marshall
Eminem & Kids
Nate & Debbie
Dysfunctional Relatives
Alaina & Dawn
Aunt Betty
"White Trash"
Kim The Torn In Marshall's Side
Kim & Drugs
Update On Marshall And Kim
Poor Hailie Jade
Celeb Flings
Mariah
Brittany Murphy
Bye Bye Brittany!
Lynette
Enemies
Friendship is OVER
"I Miss The Mall!"
Fucked Up Relationship
Party Animal
Sisters
Nathan = Trouble
The Meaning Of Christmas
No More Tours
Tossed Aside Like Garbage
" Last Time I Saw Him "
On a personal note
My Confession To The Anti Kim Mathers Board (The Lost Chapter)

confessions.jpg

My Confession To The Anti Kim Mathers Board (The Lost Chapter)

I'm not doing this for anyone but me. Most people think they know what really happened, and why I wrote the book and they will continue to think what they want. I don't have time or energy to try and change people's opinions about me. But it's in my personality to want to make the truth absolutely clear. I have neglected to do that in my book on the advice of my agent and my ex-husband. I now intend to change that. This is the one and only post I intend to make, no matter what kind of ridicule I receive from posting my side of the story.

My ex-husband and I have had problems, serious problems since we got married. You could definately compare our marriage to that of Marshall and Kim Mathers. I guess you could call it a love-hate relationship. When things were good, they were really good and when they were bad, they were disasterous. Being friends with
Marshall only magnified that. My ex and Marshall never got along, and my ex always told me that I was being naive, that Marshall had deeper feelings for me, that I was being used and I wasnt allowed to be around him. The more Marshall called me, mostly daily, the more it enraged my ex. Marshall would call, tell me that no one was there to help him, and I would go running. In my mind that's what friends do. That's what I did for Kim, before she started wasting her life away and rejected all of those friends who wouldnt help her waste her life away. But as my marriage got really bad, Marshall was in my corner, telling me that my kids and I deserve better. He gave me a safe haven on the nights when I was getting knocked around or in screaming matches with my ex. It meant alot to me to have a friend that cared about me as much as I cared about him. I, in return, gave him advice on his love life and was there to help him take care of Hailie when his family was too busy living the "glamorous life". He seemed to appreciate that he had a real friend who never expected anything from him. I think over time, he got more comfortable with me than either of us planned. Our relationship actually started the summer before.

During the summer of 2001, I had separated from my ex husband and sought shelter at my parents home, where I, or my younger sister would watch Hailie almost daily.
Marshall had asked me out, as a friend, to attend a concert/birthday party for his friend Royce. I accepted and Marshall and I had a great time which ended in us becoming closer than we anticipated. We both thought would be one-time thing. I was not ready for a relationship and neither was he, for we were both separated from our spouses and he was actually going through a divorce with Kim. We felt it was just an act of weakness between two people going through hard times. I hadn't even started divorce proceedings. I wasnt even sure what was going to happen with my marriage. We talked often. He was out of the country on tour and whenever he'd call me, he was mainly checking on Hailie, sometimes talking to me about his problems with Mariah and he told me he would talk to me more when he got home. Soon after that period, my husband started seeking counseling for his abusive behavior and convinced me to come back home, only for the abuse to start again less than a month later. Marshall and I kept in touch, becoming close, so close that we were family. Our kids called us "aunt" and "uncle". It was like we had an unspoken understanding that our one incident together was not to be discussed or acknowledged ever again.

As time went on, things got really bad again with my ex and I was starting to realize that the wicked treatment I was receiving at home (whether I was hanging with
Marshall or not) was not getting better. I had not left him because I didnt want to uproot my kids. I was worried about what switching schools and homes would do to them. Marshall was insistant on me filing for divorce. He knew I didnt have the money for a lawyer and insisted he pay for my expenses. I refused at first. I NEVER would take money from him. Not when I had to buy things for Hailie, or dinner when she'd stay at my house, or when I took her to the movies. I made him put his money away all those other times. Finally after him constantly bugging me to file for a divorce, I accepted. I cried in his office and told him that I was afraid that accepting his help would put me into the same catagory as all the other people who took him and his money for granted. He yelled at me. "If I thought that you weren't REAL, would I offer to help you? Don't be stupid". He told me he loved me, he was there for me and hugged me. The next morning at work, his accountants office called me for the details. The money was deposited into my account the next day. I've never been one to take help without feeling guilty, but I knew this would come back to haunt me.

Once I filed for divorce, my ex got even more violent. My daughter would call
Marshall without me knowing, then give me the phone just to hear him say "get the fuck out of there! Pack up the kids and come stay with me!" I looked at my kids and knew that at his house, they would be able to be kids and forget about the fighting and yelling. So I did. The more I was at his house, the more Aunt Betti would freak out. Her and Uncle Jack made my days miserable over in the Mathers' home. I wasnt trying to "take over". I was just a refugee, and at the same time, the closeness between Marshall and I was comforting. My kids were able to be kids and not worry about their mom. But, I think it was more than that which bothered Aunt Betti. She saw how Marshall was starting to feel. She saw how he looked at me. He would tell me how his family would tease him while I was away, because he would sit there and stare off. They would say " aww...someone mis..ses Jen..ny!" My daughter said that he would listen to Usher's "You Got it Bad" over and over. Then he would ask her how I was doing, if i was ok. My daughter spent alot of time there. During the day when I was at work, he would have Dwayne(his assistant) pick up my kids and bring them to the studio or to his house. Driving in the car once, L.L. Cool J's "I need love" came on the radio. He turned it up and after it was over, he turned it down and asked my daughter again, "how's your mom". That was what made my daughter know that he had feelings for me, other than friendship. Then again, there was the fact that we wrestled around alot, tickled eachother, and he had a habit of coming up behind me and punching my ass cheek. I know it sounds weird. Imagine being on the receiving end of that!

I guess I knew for a while that he felt that way for me. I knew I was falling for him too, but I wouldnt let myself feel that for a while. My life was a mess and I still wasnt sure that I was doing the right thing by my kids. Marshall and I had many, late nights after the kids went to bed. I'm not going to get into the details of our "close times", I already think I infringed too much on his privacy and I had no right to do that. But these close times brought deep conversations and I realized that we did love eachother, in a way that I never knew two people could. It wasnt about being sexual. It wasnt about "Eminem" either. behind closed doors, while I was scratching his back for him, while he was telling me he loved me, none of that mattered. Looking into his eyes, seeing all of the worry and stress within a guy who just wants to be a kid sometimes, just wants to play with his little girl, and just wants to be held, I fell in love with him...the real him...underneath. No business, no PR, no tough guy involved in beefs with other rappers. Just a very smart, caring, warm and sensitive guy. I knew I was lucky to have found that. We did make a pact, though, that no matter what, the bottom line was friendship and we would always have that if nothing else.

After realizing that my ex would never leave my home until the divorce was final and that I couldnt seem to get a restraining order on him, I stayed over at
Marshall's house as much as I could. I wasnt trying to move in with him. He knew that. I wasnt trying to "play house" like Kim suggested we were doing. I was trying to find peace and knowing that I was needed by Marshall made me feel better about my situation and life in general. But Aunt Betti was making it so bad that Marshall had to move us, himself and Hailie to The Townsend Hotel. I tried to tell him to take control over his life. That these people should not have the right to push him out of his own house. Then Kim started calling him and harrassing him. Threatening him with Hailie if we stayed over anymore. So he decided he was going to make sure I got to move out into a place of my own. Again more help that my pride didnt want to accept. The only thing that made me feel ok about accepting it other than my kids needs, was that he had been talking about us and our future together. I figured that if he was talking this way, he must know me enough to know that I don't give a damn about his money. He wanted me to get an apartment out by him, where his body guard lives, but I said no. It was WAY too expensive. I didnt want the kids to change schools either.He made another call and got me accepted into this apartment complex by the kids school so they wouldnt have to be enrolled in a new school. I have to admit, it is weird seeing the manager of the apartment complex every month when I pay rent after she knows Eminem called her and pulled strings to get me into this apartment.

The morning I was moving into my apartment, he called me from
L.A. he was drunk (it was only 3 am there) He told me that he was very proud of me. That he knows its not easy for me and he wishes he was with me to reassure me that I was doing the right thing. He told me he loved me and that he would be home soon. I had seen him at his house 2 more times, spending one more night there, the last night being the night that Aunt Betti and Uncle Jack put on the act like they were finally going to accept me. What's funny about that night is that Marshall finally seemed to be open about his feelings to me. Hugging and kissing me in front of the rest of his family. He even tucked the kids into bed at his house while Betti was out getting me drunk. I really thought were going to be ok. Marshall came and picked us up from this party and helped me into his bed. We made love one last time and in the morning he said he'd watch the kids while I went home to shower & change. When I came back, he was working in the studio, so I just took the kids left.

He started dodging my calls after that. When I did get to talk to him, he was short and talked about how Kim was helping him more and more. My kids kept asking me to call him so they could see Hailie, but he acted like he didnt need us around anymore. When I talked to him before his concert in
Buffalo, N.Y., he said that Kim had been telling him alot of stuff about me. I'm sure it was all the lies that she would later tell on the radio that morning of his birthday. I don't know why he actually believed it. He knew me! We were so close. He knew the real me, and I knew the real him! She's lied to him a million times before, why was this time so different? Anyway, he led me to believe we could still be one happy family if I called and kissed Kim's ass. I swore up and down that I wouldnt do it. I didnt like the person she had become, I had a real problem talking to her anymore, much less kissing her ass. For Marshall, my kids, and Hailie, I did call Kim. She was her usual mega-bitch self, calling me a whore and I hung up. I never heard from Marshall again.

Since then, I wrote the book which turned out to be a big mistake. After the let down with
Marshall, I was weeks away from finalizing my divorce. My ex decided to put on the charm and walk back into my life with the story of "see, I was right. Marshall was using you the whole time. He was the reason for our problems. We would've been fine if he hadn't come into our lives. People suck Jen. The only thing we have in the world is eachother. No one will ever love you or understand you like I do" After a while of hearing it and seeing his "changed guy" act, I decided I owed it to my ex for another try. He convinced me to tell him about alot of things Marshall and I did, personal and otherwise saying that we needed to be completely honest with eachother. He had, infact, been with another girl at the same time as well. He pretended to be understanding at a time when I felt I had lost my best friend and didnt have anyone else in the world. My ex told me over and over and over again, "you need to write a book. Marshall will never get the point if you simply write him a letter. He's changed his number, changed his security code at his house, and he's dumped you for that coke whore. You owe it to yourself and those kids to stand up for yourself." I consistantly said "no. That's not who I am. I don't betray people, people betray me." He said it was about time that I changed that, or people will always hurt me for the rest of my life. So I started writing and didnt stop until I got it all out. Well, most of it. My book was dissected. I wasnt able to write about, or tell in interviews what really happened. I didnt lie about ANYTHING other than exactly how deep my relationship was with Marshall. There was no way, living with my ex, that I could disrespect him like that. At that time I was also feeling guilty because technically, and legally, I WAS married. What business did I have falling in love with someone else, regardless of what was being done to me in my home?

Once I wrote the book, I became a puppet. I wasnt allowed to speak up when I thought something wasnt going right. My ex picked out my theiving agent and my incompetent editor. I had to put up with whatever decisions were made. I did whatever interviews my ex and my agent picked for me and I answered the questions the way I was told to. I sound like a weak dipshit, but things were starting to get shaky and unstable again with my ex. Once I moved back home, gave up my apartment and stopped the divorce, he had me right where he wanted me. World War III would break out if I stood up against "the team" or had a difference of opinion. These people wanted me to be in Playboy, Penthouse, Jerry Springer, you name it. I refused and suffered the consequences at home. My ex was playing the victim, of course, to whomever he could as the husband who was betrayed by his cheating wife and Eminem. I was the slut, the monster and at home, I was the wife who couldnt do anything right, who was spit on, verbally abused, hit, headbutted in the face, and choked. His family looked down on me, people were sending me hate mail, and I had to do interviews to talk about the man I loved, my best friend, and air his private matters. I made a huge mistake. I didnt know how to get out of it. I'm a strong believer in Karma and I realized this hell I was living in was what I deserved.

My "team" had these big plans. We had distribution deals being put together with all the Asian countries,
Germany, and in the UK. We were supposed to go on a book signing tour in the U.K. as well as here in the states because Ingram finally started distributing our books. Amazon was picking up and "the team" was licking their lips for the profits to come. My agent even got a director for a documentary featuring old members of Marshall's crew, they were trying to pull in Benzino and they were talking to Marshall's grandmother (eek) trying to put something together for a pay-per-view cable deal. They were also writing a screen play for a movie on Marshall's life. They wanted me to help write it. As much as these people were intimidating, I finally got up the nerve to pull the plug. I had found out that my agent was keeping my money and had confronted him on it without the help of my ex whom had become tight with him. It had been my plan to quit once I had made enought money to pay back my debtors for putting out the book, but with all the big plans, I knew I had to pull the plug sooner than expected. Back in March, I laid down the law and decided that I would take whatever heat that I had to, in order to get out of something that I realized was a big mistake. I don't care WHO says I got paid off. I swear on my childrens lives that no one paid me a single penny to pull the book. No one threatened me into it either. I've been called an idiot for walking away from money and oportunities. I don't care. I'm about the principle, not money. Everyone around me knows that. I havent heard from Marshall or Kim or any lawyers with the exception of a lame letter from Kim's lawyer telling me I had 10 days to "withdraw any untrue statements" a year ago. I ignored it and never heard back again. I saw Kim in Skinny's Night Club about a year ago and thats it. Marshall knows I never got paid off. The problem is, no one thinks something decent can be done without some sort of monetary motivation. Give me a break. I'm hoping that Marshall realizes that I did this from my heart because I've realized that writing the book was a mistake. He knows what it's like to be a puppet and be pushed around by his abusive ex. I'm glad I got his attention and I'm glad he knows the hurt that he and Kim have done to me and my kids. But two wrongs don't make it right. I also shouldnt have been so hateful towards Kim. I was hurt when I wrote the book and I felt that she needed to learn to stop stomping all over people. I didnt take her man. She didnt want him until he was spending time with me. In fact, she was intentionally making his life miserable. I never intended to fall for Marshall, and I'm sure he feels the same way. The fact is, friendship was the major part of Marshall and I. We both felt that way. If he wanted to get back with Kim, that's all he had to say. But she wouldve never let him or Hailie be around us anymore. I was a threat and thats why she told him lies about me. She holds Hailie over his head and for that, she disgusts me. I was hoping if she read the book, she might take a close look at herself and change her ways as a mom. Stop doing drugs, make her life all about her kids and her man. It didnt seem to work. I hate seeing her throw her life away like this. I have known her for most of my life and I don't want to see bad things happen to her. I know Hailie doesnt need to see this happen to her mom. Maybe she will get court mandated rehab. Someone needs to re-program her mind. She's been a wild drug addicted girl since age 13 but people can change. One could only hope.

I don't expect to ever talk to
Marshall again and I don't need to. That's not what this is all about. All I want is for him in his heart, to forgive me. I feel like its my fault that he is going through all of this thinking that he has no "real" friends. That no one really loves him for who he is deep down inside. Had I not written the book, maybe he'd know that he could call me up to talk and that he wasn't totally surrounded by fake people. I hope one day he forgives me and finds happiness somehow. I know he realizes that I held back on alot of things in the book, and I didnt completely betray him. Most of his secrets will go with me to my grave.

Once again, you will make up your own mind as to what my motivations are. I have no reason to write this other than to clear up the uncertainties that my book left. I felt the need to show my part in it, to show that I was not innocent. I'm the one who was a naive asshole, believed what people told me, letting people use me and pull my strings. I betrayed a friend and a man I really loved because I let someone make me believe that I was finally standing up for myself. I've lost my familiy, my dignity, and my best friend, and it's no one's fault but my own. It's something to learn from. That's all I can do.

As for Peripheral Person, I strongly believe this is
Marshall's aunt Betti and this is why. Look at her post under Update on Jenny.
-How would she know exactly what my relationship was with Betti and that I SUPPOSEDLY "manipulated her".
-How would she know that
Marshall was seeing other people at the time when we were hanging out? I knew Marshall was seeing people (sleeping with them, nothing serious) but he was very discreet. He even talked to me about it. I was ok with that because at that time, we were not serious. I was still married, living with my husband and not for sure on the divorce issue. We didnt get serious until the last 3 months we were together. Before then, it was my job to give him advice and be a friend.
-How does PP know what "benefits" I "reaped"? My kids got gifts on holidays and
Marshall took me to the movies and to dinners. But how would PP know unless she was around to see it?
-How would PP know about the abuse I endured by my husband or that
Marshall thanked me "repeatedly for the kind things I did for him?
-Also, PP slips and says "OTHER people cautioned
Marshall about my motives". Other people? Betti was one of the people who were so "worried" about my motives or about me doing anything for Marshall at all.

Its a very sad world we live in where, as PP says, "no one is that generous without an agenda". I never intended to fall for
Marshall. I saw someone in need and I jumped in to help, when everyone else around him was only helping themselves to his lifestyle and bank account. I didnt even know back then, what a wonderful person he was deep down. Betti was the one knocking on his vocal booth in the studio to announce that she had filled his bathroom with fresh towels, among other dramatic acts in an attempt to make Marshall realize her value and he wasnt stupid. He knew what she was doing. I dont care if they believe my motives or not. If anyone truly believes that generosity of great magnitude is never done without an agenda, then our future as a human race is looking very grim.

I dont care what people have to say, or what magazine wants to take my words and twist them around. I know what I felt and what we lived. I deserved the hell I went through because of the mistakes in judgment that I made. Hopefully
Marshall does find someone who loves him for him and not his money. Knowing the Marshall that I fell in love with, I believe that it will happen. I wish him and Hailie Jade the best. I will always love them both.

 

 

 

 

…Thanks to the Anti Kim Mathers board

 

Return to Shadys_Baby